I wrote this awhile back and today it seems time to post it along with my thoughts and feelings on Louie. Sometimes I write and put it back on the shelf, not able to handle putting it out there yet for the whole world to see.

Thoughts...

Being the one in this position to have to make these kinds of life ending decisions is I think the most difficult part of what I do. I can handle the blood, sweat, tears, long hours in the barn and horse manure. I can handle looking like wrung out crap, dressed like someone living under the 6th street bridge, but having to handle dealing with my heart and mind.. Thats another thing.

Today I had this tight feeling in my chest, this jaw tightening feeling, clenching my teeth as I bit back this overwhelming feeling to throw myself on the floor and sob as I had to stand there signing the "orders" for letting Velvet cross that Rainbow Bridge.  

What got me today is how sometimes the Creator hears our agony even when we think he doesn't. I remember when I went to the hospital it was dreary and raining outside. Temps were dropping and upon stepping out of my truck I had to grab my jacket. Brrrr my teeth wanted to clatter. It was a moody day. After knowing Velvet was gone, I walked with her blanket tucked in my arms out the front door of the clinic. It hit me as I went down the sidewalk. It was so sunny out. Like the clouds had parted and it was so warm out I had to stop and take my coat off. I looked around me and nothing but warmth. I immediately thought of her. How someway some how she was telling me that she was ok, that all that warmth was sent to me. I shook my head and wondered if I was "nuts". I got in my truck and drove towards home. The closer I got to Guthrie the darkness came, the drizzle came and then it was raining again. I knew then that she had come to give me that hug of warmth to let me know she was ok with what happened.

Today, April 5th, 2012, I had to endure another situation that is ripping my soul up. Knowing that we make the best decision in allowing the suffering to stop doesn't make it any easier. We bear the weight of the world on our shoulders while trying to harness our anger at those we "blame" for either participating in or allowing things to happen that didn't have to. Those of us in these positions have to speak when appropriate and bite our tongue when necessary. I am, still human. I am still a person with my own thoughts, frustrations. Where do I unleash them?

Louie was a soul that is hard to forget. His short little life twisted up by poor decisions by those around him which landed him here at Horse Feathers. From the moment we spent the first night in the barn, me watching him from my cot there was a bond. He, even with the brain damage he had was much like that child that touches the most inner part of your spirit. Brings tears to your eyes. The compassion I felt for him, knowing what it felt like to be "different" amazed me. I felt protective and like we were a part of a society of spirits tossed away. I feel for his momma right now. To have to bear her own injustices, pain and suffering and now the loss of her child. She, Heart, is an amazing mother. She would nuzzle him and check on him when we worked on him always checking to make sure that we were doing our jobs correctly. That he was not in distress. Today I wore my zipper sweat jacket and was holding him while we did the X-rays and ultrasound. I guess it didn't cross my mind until later today when I walked in her pen that I smelled like him. She came up to me and put her nose on my arm where I held her baby. She began to wiggle her muzzle on me like a mare who nestles her foal to comfort it. Again I found myself in this position where I wanted to hit the floor and sob. I walked around doing chores and night feed like a zombie. I think the pain is still too fresh. Perhaps like a wound it will begin to scab over and heal. Leaving behind yet another scar on my heart...

Several times I have had to endure these situations. Many people do not understand how I feel. I remember awhile back that I had called my uncle up home when I had to make this decision and I was hurting, sobbing. He told me "RT, the only person you have to ask forgiveness from is the horse. No one else. As long as you ask for forgiveness for having to help it cross over then nothing else matters". I believe that somewhere in this spiritual realm that I am forgiven. I must prepare myself for the next spirit that they send me....

RT