When does it start?
The healing process is a finicky thing. It takes its time, sometimes it speeds up, sometimes it drags along. Sometimes it never comes. I watch it in horses and in humans. I wrote the following when I was in such agony and left it here to work on when my mind and heart could allow itself to feel without shattering all over again. Sometimes we have to do that. Sit things on a shelf in our minds until its able to be opened. Stick it in a container and label it whatever we must and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Today I feel the same about not finding that dream. It has been so elusive. At my finger tips then only to vanish. I ask myself "why" until its a word I don't like to hear anymore. There's never an answer. What do you do to heal from an anguish that rips your soul apart? Do you focus on helping others, finding other small joys in life? Do you reach out to someone else in pain?
RT
2010....
I find myself in anguish today. Wandering like the walking dead. Drained, sad, weepy, and lonely. I woke up this am with this song running in my head.. My Immortal...
"I tried so hard to tell myself that your gone.... Your presence still lingers here and it wont leave me alone, these wounds wont seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's too much that time wont heal."
We lost a horse that was such a special boy, a spirit, a soul that sets it apart from others...
I feel as though I lost my best friend. Besides my mustang Cookie who is my heart & soul, I can only imagine how I will feel when its her time to leave Mother Earth. I have lost a horse that I saw so much in... He was my buddy, my side stepping companion, he followed me all the time. He made me feel.... safe... I know that doesn't mean much to others but to someone like me who has had her body wracked by a very tall horse to find one that I can walk, talk and be with is infinite.. There are times I wish I could allow others to see the things inside of me that are hiding away, sad, unable to share. So many years ago all my dreams were taken away from me with a horse that I've written about before, Sugar. I remember that day being taken to the show barn to "pick out" a new horse. Pieces of memories come to me, a very tall white Arabian that was trained like none I had seen before at that age. I remember being on his back in the arena and I had found my legs, my wings, my spirit... Then when that all came crashing down I had a piece of me torn away.. Ripped, shredded from my being. All the dreams, hours I spent with a trainer were gone. I as most young girls had waited so long till the very first show I could attend. I could put on my nice new saddle, my show clothes and be like the other girls for once. Whether I won, lost or failed at least I could say I tried. That was not to happen. I didn't touch a horse for many many years....
When I saw Lance being ridden after knowing he was such a joy on the ground I had such hopes and dreams that perhaps not only would he do beautifully in our programs here but that I could for once learn how to ride English. That dreams is buried with him....
I find that even though I walk around daily trying to put a smile on my face that its like plastic, I mold it with my fingers, lock it in place least someone find out that behind that is anguish... I am so glad that all the others are here and not in a bad place.. (unfinished)
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