Bud the Warrior Dog
Grief... How many times we have all felt that in one form or another. My agony comes now at a time when I was not prepared but then again in the recesses of my mind I knew that it was coming, just not when or how. Why sometimes the circle of life has to happen this way I have no clue. I do know that the heart remains heavy and my brain is slow to function. I find myself sobbing at the drop of a hat, a split second I call out to him esp in my sleep checking to see where he is and there is silence.
I talked to a good friend last night in SD who has known me years as well as Bud. His words to me were that "most people have pets, parts of their families. There are very few people who have the bond with Bud that you do as he was not just a 'pet' he was a part of YOU." Yes, he was a part of me, he was my eyes when I didn't see, he was my ears when I didn't hear, he was my voice when I couldn't speak. He has been with me since a puppy. He has traveled the US with me, gone through literal hell and back with me. He has been my consolation when times of tears came at my dads death, he felt my anguish and would come to me and lay his head on my knee many times when life was hard on me, those eyes staring up at me. He would come to me while in bed and leap into my arms laying there ever watchful of anything that would come near. I could sleep as tho there was nothing in the world to bother me while Bud ever faithful watched over me. Now, how do I sleep? How do I know that there is nothing to harm me and my alarm is gone. I trust no one in my heart like I did him. He was the one who would bounce with joy to see me, to go 'ridin to the rez' as I would always say. All I had to do was ask him if he wanted to 'go to the rez' and he was so excited to haul off. He would lay in the back seat of my truck and go for miles and miles.. He was my fishing buddie at the lake, he was my companion on long walks through the Black Hills. He loved cows... many times Ive driven down the road and moo 'd like a cow and he would start whining to go see the moo cows... The laughter I shared with him.. All I hear is silence now. There will never be another dog in my life like him. Nothing that will make me feel like I am connected to that life force. How shall I function without him here? How shall I function when Cookie is gone? The thing that keeps me from crawling into a hole is that there are horses here who need me. They need time and attention, medical care, constant vigilance. They need me to pull my feet one foot in front of the other and keep moving. He would be walking step by step with me along the way. The kids need me. They need me to keep moving on as they depend on me to teach them all the things locked in the recesses of my mind. They need me to grieve with them as they loved him also.
Each time I look around me I have this essence that he was here and I keep looking for him. The sadness is overwhelming at times. I feel as those who have lost a loved one. Do we put up the food bowl? Do we leave it lay? To me it all can lay as an ever present reminder that he was here.
I'm not sure how to feel today and the advice I got yesterday was to talk about it or write about it. For me, I really don't want to talk much right now and I hope that others understand. I am too empty and drained from my tears to talk about my warrior who has crossed over....
I miss you Bud...
Mom
Oh, honey my heart is broken for you. What Bud is to you, my Dakota is to me. He's my soul mate who knew me instantly when we met 8 years ago. He searched my eyes intently & gave his heart into my care. My eyes fill with tears as I read your news just now. I'm so sorry we played phone tag yesterday & didn't get to talk. The best thing I can tell you is to grieve whole heartedly, cry, weep scream it out, pound the floor. I am here whenever you need me.
Barbara
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I remember the times when I couldnt stand or get off the floor and he would help me get up. He was like Cookie that I taught to help momma up when she had a hard time standing to her feet.
There are so many memories of him that I am flooded with today and I just cant seem to get them all in order. Right now I dont feel like doing too much but I am trying to keep things moving here. Working in the office, picked up my son to help work on things outside.
Just sitting here at times staring at the walls...
RT
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RT: Your friend who told you to keep talking and writing about Bud is right. Grief, when it comes, seems like a mountain sometimes doesn't it. I would love to hear (read) as many stories about Bud as you are willing to share - all the details, too - what he looked like - how you got him - all of his special habits - all the times he made you crazy and all the times he brought you special joy. I'm sitting in a chair across from you at the table (just like all of your other friends on this blog). Tell me all about him.
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When my youngest was little Bud was still a pup. All my kids grew up with this dog. Darin used to sit and smile at the dog really wide and Bud started imitating him. He would 'smile' when you told him to smile. Many times I would roll on the floor laughing as it was so silly how he would do it and then look at you like 'see I did it"...
Its hard esp like now when driving home from dropping my son off and the truck is silent. Even with Shorty in there its not the same. I see Bud in my minds eye riding with me all through South Dakota. I know the last time he rode with me the other day he wanted to go HOME... To South Dakota. We both miss home... I cant even take him home to bury him... He is stuck in this state and has to lay here and that hurts me that I couldn't do that for him... The Black Hills hold a lot of memories for him and I.
RT
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RT, I would also love to learn more about Bud and how special he is when you are in a better place. They are never really gone, just gone ahead. And the love never dies as it lives on in our hearts. Love you.
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I have two of my beloved dogs ashes that are no longer with us. It took over a year for us to get another dog (which ended up being two). It also took me a year to take down the crate that one of them slept in as it gave me some peace to see it there. We plan to have them with us always since one will be with me and other with my husband. As Gretchen Jackson sayed: "grief is the price we pay for love."
Nancy
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You need to adjust to this on your own time schedule and in your own way. You never get over a loss like this. You gradually adjust and accept. You gradually focus more of the blessings of having Bud in your life and feel less of the pain.
I am deeply sorry for your heartbreak.
Linda
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Dear RT,
I am SO SORRY. I have been so wrapped up in my own medical issues these past few weeks, months, that I have missed out. I too would love to hear more about Bud. You know you're in our hearts and prayers. Thinking of you...
with love,
Betty
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Dear RT,
My heart goes out to you! I have been so involved with my own medical issues, these past weeks, month, that I have missed out on several things. Yes, when you feel ready, I would love to hear more stories about Bud. Know that you are in the hearts and prayers of many as you recover from your loss. Bud will never be gone as long as we hole him in our memories. With love...and peace to you, my special friend.
Betty
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I hope your feeling ok. I think about you often when out in the barn and hoping that your health is better.
When I was living in a tent back in 2004 homeless Bud and Makoche, my wolf, would ride in the back of the truck on a dirt road, only place I let them ride like that where I could drive 5-10 mph. We would go down to this campground and get water in this blue jug I had so they had water and I could make coffee. A staple ya know when your homeless... Makoche was leaning over the edge when I went to make the turn into where our tent was and she went PLUNK over the side. Right into the ditch. Bud, the warrior he is, dove after her. I remember looking out my side mirror as I stopped the truck thinking--egads you dove over to save her and she is already running to the tent you silly boy. I know I was barely going 5mph at that time.. So no one was hurt. It was the things he would do that made you stop and look deep into his eyes and wonder if there wasnt a human soul behind them. Some person sent to you long ago to watch over you.
RT
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Dear RT
Words are never easy at a time like this.Just know that all your many friends feel your pain and are here for you.Bud was the love of your life and he'll always be with you. I'm so very sorry.
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RT,
When you experience the perfect union with a beloved companion and pet, they become a part of your heart forever. You'll never stop grieving from your loss, how can you ever ignore a part of your heart that has been torn away. But know that just as he gave you joy and completeness, you did the same for him. He only responded because you were a part of his heart as well. How lucky you were to have experienced that union!
It will take what seems like forever, but one day you will remember him, and it will be with laughter and gratitude that he was a part of your life for so long. The joy will over-ride the grief, and you will be on the road to healing. But don't expect to ever stop wishing he hadn't had to go first!
For now, weep and pace the floor. Honor him that you care enough to lament his loss. Those of us who love you, and have taken you into our hearts, will circle you with our virtual arms, and we'll carry you until you are ready to walk tall again.
You are loved.
Marsh
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Oh, RT. The stories of Bud are wonderful. If you feel like writing more, please do. He was a great dog, and we are all standing together to honor him.
Amy
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I am sorry to hear about Bud. He was such a sweet and loving boy. I lost Woman this year so I can empathize.
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Thanks girl. Gosh it has been years huh? Im sorry about Woman. I remember her too. Bud was just a pup when you were there visiting. Seems that all these years have flown by. No other can take his place. I still am having hard time accepting he is gone. I stop and catch myself hollering for him or looking for him in the back seat of the truck. Then the sadness hits...
I keep praying that it gets easier in time...
hugs
RT
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