Being the one in this position to have to make these kinds of life ending decisions is I think the most difficult part of what I do. I can handle the blood, sweat, tears and horse manure. I can handle looking like wrung out crap but having to handle dealing with my heart and mind.. Thats another thing.

Today I had this tight feeling in my chest, this jaw tightening feeling, clenching my teeth as I bit back this overwhelming feeling to throw myself on the floor and sob as I had to stand there signing the "orders" for letting Velvet cross that Rainbow Bridge. I won't get into the blow by blow of her last few days, knowing that she was hurting, that she had hung her head on me and just let me stroke her cheek as IV fluids flowed into her veins then to know that no matter what she was "tired n hurting"is description enough.

What got me today is how sometimes the Creator hears our agony even when we think he doesn't. I remember when I went to the hospital it was dreary and raining outside. Temps were dropping and upon stepping out of my truck I had to grab my jacket. Brrrr my teeth wanted to clatter. It was a moody day. After knowing Velvet was gone, I walked with her blanket tucked in my arms out the front door of the clinic. It hit me as I went down the sidewalk. It was so sunny out. Like the clouds had parted and it was so warm out I had to stop and take my coat off. I looked around me and nothing but warmth. I immediately thought of her. How someway some how she was telling me that she was ok, that all that warmth was sent to me. I shook my head and wondered if I was "nuts". I got in my truck and drove towards home. The closer I got to Guthrie the darkness came, the drizzle came and then it was raining again. I knew then that she had come to give me that hug of warmth to let me know she was ok with what happened.

Several times I have had to endure these situations. Many people do not understand how I feel. I remember awhile back that I had called my uncle up home when I had to make this decision and I was hurting, sobbing. He told me "RT, the only person you have to ask forgiveness from is the horse. No one else. As long as you ask for forgiveness for having to help it cross over then nothing else matters". I believe that somewhere in this spiritual realm that I am forgiven. I must prepare myself for the next spirit that they send me....

RT

The healing process is a finicky thing. It takes its time, sometimes it speeds up, sometimes it drags along. Sometimes it never comes. I watch it in horses and in humans. I wrote the following when I was in such agony and left it here to work on when my mind and heart could allow itself to feel without shattering all over again. Sometimes we have to do that. Sit things on a shelf in our minds until its able to be opened. Stick it in a container and label it whatever we must and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Today I feel the same about not finding that dream. It has been so elusive. At my finger tips then only to vanish. I ask myself "why" until its a word I don't like to hear anymore. There's never an answer. What do you do to heal from an anguish that rips your soul apart? Do you focus on helping others, finding other small joys in life? Do you reach out to someone else in pain?

RT

2010....

My Immortal... 

Well Im trying my hand at adding things on here... So much to learn.. This is our flier for the Work Days this year. We moved it to October and made it a Salute to the Veterans/Military...

I was walking around doing chores and it popped in my head about a line from my favorite movie. "sometimes there just aren't enough rocks".. Forrest Gump.. How true it is. There aren't enough of everything dear Forrest. Money, volunteers, land, compassion, and plain old humanity. 

While I was at the State Fair in September I was out walking Woodrow one night. We walked through the arenas in the back of the barn, just lingering here and there while it was night time, not many people around back there. You can tell that most of the people have dwindled away, heading home after a long day at the fairgrounds. The noises get lower, the midway has shut down and an occasional person can be heard heading off to the parking lot laughing and hooting. Must have been all the beer?

I could see in Woodrow this excitement, his nose flared, his head high and then we came upon another arena where they were moving cattle in and out of pens, chutes and walkways. I walked him over and I stood watching Woodrow. It always amazes me when you take a horse to an environment that they have grown up in after being gone for years. There was this fire in his eyes that you don't see that often. I began to imagine what his life must have been like all those years traveling from rodeo to rodeo, the journeys he must have had. I watched him as he put his nose to the ground sniffing, as he wandered slowly over to the panel to watch the cows come within touching distance. I felt this sadness come over me as I watched him. It reminded me of a strapping young man who had done something in his life, all his life, and then had reached an age where the spirit and the body were on different levels. Watching an elder man sitting in a wheelchair and knowing that once he ran with the wind, had the strength of mighty men. Now, he was sitting there in his Golden Years just watching life go by. Did he have regrets? Did he long so badly to step out of that wheelchair and one more time do something that was so innate in him that he had done for years? 

I saw that in Woodrow. The way he shifted from foot to foot, the anxious feeling of "let me in there, its time to go to work". I smiled and had tears in my eyes and I scratched his head and told him "Grampa, your retired from that now" He butted me with his nose in his way of telling me "Kiddo, I'll never be retired so move over". I had to chuckle. I know in his heart that he would do his job till the day he dropped over and the Creator called him home. I, the anxious protector, worry that he would get hurt. I think in some ways it would be me that would hurt more knowing that he was in pain. 

I wonder do some people ever look deep enough into their eyes and catch a glimpse of their story. Find out what they have to tell. When was the last time you slowed yourself enough to listen to the elderly and what they had to say? Did you hear a story of long ago? Did they pass onto you their wisdom, their journey before it was gone? Sometimes we are peddling too fast to pay attention. Why not this holiday season take the time to speak to an elderly person. Hear their spirit.. It might just help yours...

With the economy like it is we as well as other types of rescues have been hit and some hit hard. I've heard that many rescues have closed their doors permanently due to the lack of funds and various other reasons. We have been working diligently on fundraisers and other avenues to raise money to keep Horse Feathers open as well as to serve the community. We will have another raffle coming up soon that will get posted here and on our forum, but we still need YOUR help. 

We are in need of horse 'angels' or sponsors to help care for the horses. Even 10.00 month can help buy feed or pay for supplements. The drought here has created a hay shortage as well as now with the mass rains it has prohibited  those from getting in to at least get a last cutting for the year. Many will not be able to as the hay will be at a loss. Prices are going to go up, in some areas they already have. So what we used to pay a nominal fee for will be double if not higher. These issues as well as costs going up on grains is another reason we need help sponsoring these horses, esp those who are in sanctuary.

Would you consider sponsoring a horse here at Horse Feathers? You may visit the website for information on sponsoring or donating to help our General Fund.

As always, the horses thank you for staying in touch and helping to keep them safe.

RT

We here at the rescue will soon be doing the same. Trying to prepare for a long winter ahead. Gathering our 'nuts' if you will to store up for the horses to get through the long winter months ahead. In some sense my dread has already started with trying to make sure even now that supplies are stored like the squirrel in a tree. We have much needed hay to still get, bags of feeds to place in the loft barn, supplements to stock and many other chores that I wont get done this year. I so wanted to have the hot water heater in and a sink to wash things as well as to soak beet pulp. Seems that isn't going to happen.  

With our preparations comes the events we are holding here. I have been working with Nancy on the flyers if anyone wants to print and pass out. We will be at the OK State Fair this year again, the whole season. I look forward to being able to speak to folks about the rescue as well as hopefully get some interested in adopting. So we are welcoming volunteers to help September 17-27th. Next is the Haunted Barn on October 24th. YES, I made sure with the schedules I had that it wasn't in conflict with the OU/OSU games. Following that is our November Work Days. 6-7-8th. Anyone coming from out of town let me know so we can arrange to make sure you have place to stay.

Dec 5th is our Santa 4 Horses... Bring the kids along and a gift for the horses.. We will post that on the website soon.

All that said I would like to encourage those who can to help us to build up our General Fund. My hope is that we can do some of this before the holidays are upon us and people feel the tightness of the belt even further with the economy like it is. I have not had much response in getting people to go to the Affiliates or General Store online. We will keep those up in case anyone wants to visit them. We are always searching for new places to fundraise and get the money coming in to help keep the doors open. 

We appreciate all of you who stay involved with us and continue to help us with our efforts.

RT

Ever have one of those days? I sat there typing all this stuff to add to this and POOF it was like gone. Some sneaky puter monster came in and munched it all away. I was so mad I shut the laptop off and went away from it. So today I am on my main man puter and see if this sticks this time. Whats frustrating is the fact that you cant remember everything you typed in.. For some reason the SAVE thing didn't work. Dunno... So here goes.. I wrote all of this below and was going to pitch it but thought, naw, lets let them see what you were thinking or going through at the time... 

It's been a grueling month so far. I haven't even hit my 4 week mark yet. Surgery was June 1st at a place that, well its a place that I am going to write on here... I will start out with in all my years of having once been in/around the medical field I have never seen such lack of caring as I did at that hospital and lack of patient care. It sure rocked my core as when someone, any human is that far down from 7 hours of laying on surgical table, the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming.. I felt that, total hurt and frustration at how I was treated by the staff there... I would like to start sharing how things went that day and through the week, many have asked so here goes.

Viet and I arrived at Deaconess Hospital in OKC at roughly 0630 and started my check  in process. Sitting in a waiting room that was as cold as the Klondikes was making me shake so he went to the car and got me a blanket. After all the paperwork mumbo jumbo was over with I was called back to process for Pre-Op. Anyone who has had surgery knows that this is where the anxiety starts to mount and things seem to spin rather quickly yet seem like they are in slow motion. After changing into my gown, little blue sockies, I started braiding my hair while answering the nurses 20 million questions. Got my IV, guy came to measure me for a brace around my waist and left it with my husband. I wanted to talk to Doc Stanfield so asked them to hold off my pre-op shot (to knock you senseless so your anxiety goes down and prep you for the Big Guns I call it). After speaking to him and kissing my husband goodbye I was rolled into the OR. I barely remember it as I think they were in such a hurry to get me set up, they said that it takes nearly an hour to get a patient set up. Your placed on stomach with a roll under your hips and then your chest to create a slight curve? to the spine. Intubation is is done with tube out the side of your mouth and a mirror on the floor to monitor your face and tube. Lots of good that did them as once I was in my  room I found out that the whole thing had torn the side of my face open and large sores were left for weeks. My doctor was not thrilled at all and I do remember he told anethesia to go upstairs and see what they had done to my face. Id like to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation.

I do not remember being placed in my room, I do faintly remember my husband bringing my chocolate milkshake for me drink. I know that my husband left that night at around 10 pm and didnt get back until the next day at 1 pm. I do know that from the time I got in my room until he got there I had not had anything to eat or any water on my bed table. The nurse Helga I will call her, came in that day in my drug induced fog and said to me "When is your family going to get here so they can take care of you?" I remember thinking "I thought that was YOUR job". Needless to say her ability to care for patients is sorly lacking and she should find a job working on mundane things like cars, etc that have no feeling, no heart rate. On top of everything I had a nurse who did NOT know how to do an enema, one of those yucky things that happens with anethesia where the internal organs slow up near to shutting down. More of the solution was all over the bed and me. She was upset that she had to help me change my clothes, didnt even help me get a bath and hung my jammie pants up to dry. Walked out. There were many incidents where they would bring my food tray in and toss it on the stand that goes over the bed. It was at the foot of the bed, I was so tired, in pain or out of it couldnt get it up. When I did try, putting the bed up as far as I could tolerate it was difficult to waddle the wheels up to me and I wound up with the entire food tray in my lap. I managed to take it all and toss it up on the stand and didnt eat. It never failed to amaze me when they would come in and get the tray it was like doing a sneak in to make sure I was asleep when they did or if they did it was so fast that letting them know I didnt eat wasnt a priority to them. Checked it off in the hallway. I know I missed over 6 meals the whole time there. By late Wed I was in tears and called my doctors office. Shortly there was a nurse who came into my room, told the other nurse to leave and the PT at the door to stay in hall and shut the door. She asked me what was wrong and I proceeded to tell it all. When this lady was on shift she took care of me. The rest of the shifts were still the same ole crap but at least two days when this girl was there it was tolerable. I was so glad to get out of there on Friday it was not funny. There are tons of other minor things I would tell but suffice to say that Deaconess Hospital is NOT some place I would want ANY of my family or friends to be a patient at. I have no problems letting them know...

So my surgery is over, I am in rehab to get moving, incision is healing up good and soon I hope to be more back at here at the rescue. Thanking my lucky stars that Melissa and Katie have stepped up to help me as I totally thought that it wouldnt take this long to at least get me to basic care routine. WRONG.... LOL

I am looking forward to doing more writing tho. Now that we are getting the puters worked out and the internet is finally back up with a booster amp to the antenna.. Dang hail storms blew things around...

RT

This photo was posted on my forum.... Here is my reply to it...